I am raising the sweetest and most amazing little girl God ever made. She has her days, don’t get me wrong but she is such a compassionate and kind child. We were at a family Thanksgiving this year. My daughter sometimes struggled with getting knots out of her hair. We went to this dinner and she looked absolutely beautiful aside from this one knot on the back of her head that she missed. Her aunt was being nice at first. She was telling her how lovely she looked. Then she said something that didn’t need to be said. She said, “R, you are so beautiful but why don’t you brush your hair better so you can be really pretty?” I wanted to scream! I watched my daughter’s countenance drop and her aunt just moved on with her day. I didn’t say anything in the moment because I didn’t know how to say it without embarrassing my girl more. What I wanted to say was, “Don’t give my kid insecurities!”

We all have those people in our lives who mean well. They think that they are being helpful by pointing out the things they think kids should work on. In reality all they are doing is sewing insecurities into a child. It crushed me to watch her confidence shattered by a well meaning comment. Since Thanksgiving my daughter asks me to help her with her hair every time she prepares to go anywhere. Before there was confidence, now there is insecurity. Before there was a free spirited perspective. Now there is fear. She is so afraid that someone else will point out a flaw she won’t leave the house without brushing it.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, kids need to move past these things. Yes, it’s great that she is more careful about the knots in her hair. However, it hurts. It takes away a bit of the natural confidence she had. In a society so focused on conforming little girls to grown up standards can’t we just let them be little? Can’t we keep our criticisms to ourselves?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to her either. We were at CVS and my daughter’s throat was infected after a tonsillectomy. We had to go inside to pick up her medicine because it wasn’t ready. She was in a world of pain and in an effort not to cry in front of people she was sucking her thumb. Yes, she was 8 but it was her way of coping with the pain. The woman behind the register looked my daughter right in the eye and said, “Quit being a little baby. Get that out of your mouth.”
I will save you the drama that came after this. Let’s just say I am not a huge CVS fan after this encounter. However, it proves a point again. This woman had no reason to say a word to my child about something that she saw as unacceptable. If she would have known the full story, I wonder if she would have opened her mouth…

As a whole I think we need to remember that children are still people with strengths and weaknesses. While it may seem like it’s something that should be said, maybe it isn’t. Ask yourself, “Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me now?” You may find that while you think it needs to be said, it may not need to be said by you in that moment. Replace that criticism or suggestion with a compliment. Use your words to build that child up. It could make all the difference in their day.

Has someone ever given your child a well meaning comment that led to an insecurity? What did you do? How did you encourage your child. Leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.